Whatsoever you do…

Just like many people today, I am on a spiritual journey towards holiness. I have found it quite difficult at times, and today was no exception. I realized something today…you know when Jesus said, “whatsoever you do to the least of these (people), you do to Me.” Well, He even meant whatsoever we do also…to ourselves!

I am a diabetic. I have been really fighting within myself for most of my adult life, about eating and my weight. I have starved, I was anorexic when I was 13-16. Then I began eating, or rather over-eating for a period of about 10 years, then I became bulimic for many years after that, till I was 35 or so. Then with counseling I stopped bingeing and purging, and just plain over-ate. This last period has lasted me about 17 years so far.

Each and every day is a struggle within myself to eat what I should, when I should. I had actually been much better in the last 4 weeks or more, eating much healthier, and staying away from sugar. But today, was my sister’s birthday, so there was cake, not one, not two, but THREE cakes. I didn’t have a piece of all three, but I DID have 2 helpings of 2 of them…which comes down to 4 pieces of cake! And I’m a diabetic. Yes, I’m adamant about checking my blood, and I made sure that I had taken enough insulin, but when I got to my desk, where I have a wonderful picture of The Sacred Heart of Jesus, there He looked back at me…very dissappointed in me. He almost looked very sad, like I had really betrayed Him. But then I believe His Holy Spirit gave me this thought…”Whatsoever you do to the least of these, you do to Me…even if you do it TO YOURSELF”!

“Wow”, I thought, “I never considered that statement, THAT way. But actually if you think about it, yes, that IS true…what you do to yourself, you also do to Jesus!” So, if you hate yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself. If you overindulge yourself in things you should not, all those are things you DO to Jesus too! At my sister’s dinner party, a friend of a neighbor came to dinner with our neighbor. He was a really nice guy, but after talking with him for half the night, I realized one thing…this guys does NOT care for himself AT ALL. He is a diabetic. He drinks alcohol every night. He does NOT check his blood. He does NOT take insulin. He only takes medicine for the diabetes. He said his doctor wanted to check his blood 3 times a year. The guy told his doctor “No. I’ll come every 6 months, that’s it!” So, I told this guy, “but your doctor just wants to make sure your blood sugars aren’t too high, because if they are, there may be one day when you go to bed, and you’ll never wake up!” This guy didn’t care. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “well, then I die.” But I have been watching a number of videos on YouTube that feature people who have really died, and GONE TO HELL.

I have been thinking about this a lot…why would people go to Hell? Especially if they knew they were doing things wrong! Many of them have too much pride…they think they have time to get their lives in order or right. They think that they will have many years to fix their wrongdoing, even if it’s to themselves. But there is a point at which there is NO FIXING what we have done wrong to ourselves. And many people pass that line, and do not think they have. They still think things are fine, and that they can always fix things later. Almost every person in every video about Hell thought that. They all thought they had time. No one realized that EACH AND EVERY ONE of us no matter how young or old, healthy or sickly, WE EACH COULD DIE TODAY!

I LOVE sugar. I especially love cake with whipped cream frosting. I had been doing well giving up sugar. I had not had sugar for about 6 weeks or so…until today. Today I went crazy eating cake and whipped cream frosting. But, like I said, when I came up to my office computer, and looked at the very sad face of Jesus just behind my computer screen…I knew…I had not only disappointed Jesus, I HURT HIM. By hurting myself with sugar. The problem is, I’m no better than that guy. I thought I was, because I take my blood sugar measurements 5 times a day give or take. I take my insulin to compensate for what I eat. But at what point is it too late? At what point have I done so much damage to my body that it cannot tolerate ANY sugar at all, even fruit?!

I can’t tell you, express to you the sorrow I feel. It is like the sorrow that the people on YouTube felt when they went to Hell. They all realized TOO LATE what they had done. “If only…” they would say. I do NOT want to be that. I do not want to ruin my life, my body, my mission, that God has given me and me only to accomplish. And if I ruin my body, I will most likely not complete this mission that is mine. And it will go undone. Like the mission of that guy, whose blood sugar was over 300 one day, and he didn’t worry about it, because it “dropped” to 189 two days later!! It is pride. I couldn’t explain how it’s pride, but it is pride. Maybe it’s the pride of thinking we are in control of ourselves, when we really aren’t. Or the pride of thinking we can do, eat, drink, or smoke anything we want and still be fine. I think that’s it. I ate 4 pieces of something I told Jesus/God that I would give up completely. I also ate 2 portions of red meat, beef, that I also promised Jesus/God I would not eat! Wow, today was a stellar day in terms of FAILURE!

But, I thank God that I AM AWARE of my mistake, and my pride…now something can be done about it. Now at least I can pick myself up, dust myself off, realize I should NEVER have given into my craving for sugar, and move on. Start fresh, with a new promise to take care of myself. But I will need help in the future, the help that ONLY God/Jesus can give me. I need His Holy Spirit, to help me to treat myself (or rather Him), as best that I can, not neglecting what I should do and shouldn’t do.

Dearest Lord, I hope and pray that You will give me the strength I need to take care of myself properly. Help me to NOT be prideful and think that I can do, eat, drink, or smoke whatever I want now, and later I can “fix” it. Help me to know that to take care of MYSELF is to TAKE CARE OF JESUS. Because whatsoever I do to MYSELF, I also do to Jesus!

God Bless,
With Gassho,
Sr. Frances

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Date: Sunday, 26. August 2012 0:59
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