For the Sake of…

Written by FrancesKosac on August 21st, 2010

This blog is “finding my spiritual way”…and part of my search in my spirituality has included Buddhism. I was a practicing Mahayana Buddhist and Catholic for about 8 years, before I decided to mainly be Catholic. When I was a Buddhist though, one of the things that really made me feel like this was a Good path to God (Eternal Buddha), is the practice of doing things, “for the sake of others”. In Christianity, we call it “redemptive suffering”. But it sounds so bitter…like something terrible we have to suffer through, in order to help someone else. But when you look at it the way the Mahayana Buddhists do, it is not suffering at all…it is simply doing. You can live your life as you always do, but constantly keep in mind and heart that you are doing whatever you are doing, “for the sake of someone else” not for yourself. If you practice this at it’s heart…you will ultimately be living as Christ did, as Buddha did, as Gandhi did, and all the saints alike.

My thought about “doing for the sake of” (someone other than yourself), came as I was writing a sympathy card. I wanted to give a person who had lost a loved one, something that might bring them hope. I remembered the Buddhist teaching I learned that you can do whatever you do normally, but simply “dedicate” it for the sake of “my beloved deceased one”.  And suddenly, the most mundane of tasks becomes a vehicle for bringing your deceased loved one peace and consolation. For instance, if you are a business person, each day as you sit at your desk in the morning, you can say a little prayer, “I offer this next task, to bring consolation to the soul of (name of deceased loved one here).” Then proceed to do that task, but in the back of your mind/heart, always thinking compassionate thoughts of your loved one, and if you struggle with any particular tasks, especially offer your struggle “for the sake of their soul”. This way every day, every moment of every day, can be filled with life changing compassion for those who you loved that are dead.

Being a Catholic, I have a firm faith in Mother Mary as my spiritual Mother. She was given to all of humanity as Our Spiritual Mother, by Jesus from the Cross, when he gave His mother to John (who represented all of us).  Mother Mary has been appearing all over the world in the last 100 years or so. Most especially in the last 30 years. In Medjugorje, Yugoslavia, she has been appearing for 29 years, and in her messages to the visionaries there, she has said, that we need to pray for our deceased loved ones by name, as they cannot pray for themselves. They are helpless to help themselves. It is only our prayers that can help them, “so please Pray, Pray, Pray.”  But along with prayer, we can actually DO things to help them…and not “special” things either, just whatever we do every day. All we have to do is to offer up our work, our chores, our menial and not-so-menial tasks to God “for the sake” of (deceased person’s name).

St. Therese had a motto she lived by, “it is not important to do great deeds, but to do small deeds with great love.”

So, we do not need to do heroic acts of sacrifice or penance, but simply to do our everyday jobs with LOVE in our hearts, and to offer that job to God “for the sake of….” That alone, will bring all our loved ones peace and consolation, and that, in turn, will bring US consolation and peace.

“love one another, as I have loved you.”

Sr. Frances

The Sisters of Embracement.org

 

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Not in vain…

Written by FrancesKosac on August 21st, 2010

The tragedy that happened to Andrew Koenig, touched me so profoundly…because I HAVE BEEN THERE myself. I know what it is like to want to die every single day! If even ONE person is saved out of the tragedy of Andrew Koenig, then his life will not have been in vain. I believe with all my heart, that because of this tragedy, many “Andrews” out there, have turned to get help, or at least, realize they need help.

I know and completely understand what it is like to be so depressed you want to die.  I lived that way for almost 22 years or more.  Every day I thought of all the multitude of ways I could kill myself and end my pain. But every time I went to complete one of those plans of suicide, I would stop, because something DEEP, deep inside me thought, “this seems like something you’ve done before and the ending was NOT good.” So I would stop, even though every fiber of my being wanted the pain to end. Every single day was like a tick mark on a sentence that was for eternity. I was not living life, I WAS DOING LIFE.

I was about 40 years old when my childhood friend Lee, went with me to my family doctor. I explained with much sadness and tears how I was feeling to the doctor. I fully expected him to think I was crazy or to tell me to “get over it”, but instead, he listened. He asked me if I had thought about suicide, I asked him, “you want times per day or number of days times the times per day?” Basically, I thought of suicide A LOT. He gave me an anti-depressant. I didn’t think it would change a thing. I didn’t think it would make my life any better. I thought that my “doing life” feeling would always be with me. It took about 4 weeks, but I remember driving home from work, and looking at the flowers that were blooming. I remember feeling happy about the flowers blooming! Wow…what? Me happy? about something OUTSIDE myself??? I started to cry tears of gratitude to God, that I could FEEL happiness about flowers!!!

One of the things that I realized at about the same time, was that, I was the reason I couldn’t feel other people’s love for me. I was at a spiritual weekend retreat for women. At the very end of the retreat each woman is given a surprise box that contained cards and small gifts from various friends and family members that had been contacted well in advance. As I sat there opening each card, reading the loving notes in each card, I realized they were almost all the same…they all spoke about how much they loved me! So, with tears streaming down my face, I realized at that moment just HOW MUCH I WAS LOVED!

All my life, I had always felt ALONE. I always felt like I didn’t fit in. I always felt UNLOVED. No matter what my parents said or did, or my friends, I really never felt loved…it was almost like I was living in a cave, in the dark, in the cold. It was at that weekend retreat that I realized I AM THE ONE WHO MADE THE CAVE! I realized that these people, my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, all of them LOVED ME immensely, but it was ME who was choosing to NOT feel their love. I chose not to feel their love, because they didn’t love me the way I “thought” they should love me. Or rather I had this image of what “loving me” looked like, if they didn’t match that, which they almost never did, then they must not love me.

When I realized that love comes in many millions of ways, and once I got help for my depression, I was on the road to healing. There have been times when I let my antidepressant lapse, and without any hesitation, the “black days” came back. The ticking each day off the calendar like it was one less day of a sentence. Wow…the thoughts of suicide, all of it, comes rumbling back if I don’t stay on my meds.

From what I’ve read about Andrew Koenig, it sounds like he had been off his meds for a year. I wish with ALL MY HEART, if there were some way, he could have called me, and talked to me, I would have told him my story, and told him there is hope.  So, because of this tragedy, I thought I would write this article…to tell any other “Andrews” out there…TALK to someone, email me PLEASE! … don’t let your own thoughts control you, because they can and will if you let them.

I can say with JOY now, that I am GLAD I am alive! I am GLAD that I never succeeded in any of my suicide attempts, nor in my plans! I would have lost so much. So many people around me would have been so hurt, and I would not have known it until it was too late…like Andrew.

There are many people for and against antidepressants. I have always been a spiritual person, even as a child. Even though I could not feel love from anyone, I used to cry about it to God and tell Him all about my woes. I never felt in my heart that God wanted me to suffer the way I was suffering. It wasn’t until I got help, learned that people actually did love me (and do love me), and then gave myself completely over to God, body, mind, and soul, that I feel like I have been lead to a place of peace, healing, and JOY. Those of you who are still depressed, please get help, don’t be ashamed or afraid. And most of all, don’t give up. It might take more than one type of medication to help your particular problems. Remember though, that besides medication for clinical depression, reaching out to support groups, to churches, temples, to God, can all help in ways that I could not begin to explain. You ARE loved. You ARE needed. Even if you FEEL like you are not…you are. It is an illusion. Don’t believe the illusion, check with other people. Ask….it’s what I did and now all I can say is that I used to be “doing life” now I’m actually LIVING life!

Love (yourself and) one another as I have loved you.

Sr. Frances

 

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WAKE UP!!!!!!

Written by FrancesKosac on April 29th, 2010

Recently, I have had a second conversion experience. This time, it was not a “knock me off my horse” conversion experience, but an “oh My God, I’ve been so asleep for so long!” experience.  I even wrote to some of my friends, that “I’m finally awake!” I feel like I truly have been sleeping for all of my life, or at least most of it…and just now, in these last 3 days, I’ve FINALLY woken up!

What have I woken up from or to? Well, I have woken up from a stupor sleep, where I was so involved in my own life, my own problems, and my own concerns that I just didn’t even realize how dire the situation is  in the world. I mean REALLY realize. Sure I watched the news. I read the paper. I saw the stories of how bad it is. But it just didn’t sink in. I just didn’t really “get” it. I met with 5 other people on Sunday, to decide what we are going to do as a group to try and “wake people up” to what’s going on in the world. We talked about what we each in our little group need to do to “wake people up to do something about the world!” After the meeting, it just sunk in, how deeply I’ve been asleep, and how much I just wasn’t aware of that’s going on in the world.

People are fighting within churches. Priests are doing heineous things. People who are supposedly “living for God” are treating other people like their enemies. People are killing each other over nothing…the list goes on, and on, and on. There was an article I found on the internet, about “the Church of The Holy Seplecre” in Jerusalem. This is a church that has THE HOLIEST SITE of Christianity…the site of the Crucifixion and tomb of Jesus Christ (though His Body is not there, as He had risen, they kept the tomb intact and protected). So, in this church, supposedly there are 4 different denominations of Chrisitanity that claim a part of it. Each denomination, has their “little corner” of the church you might say. Well, one of the priests, from one denomination, was sitting on a chair where the sunlight was streaming in. Being dressed in all black, he was getting fairly hot, so he moved his chair out of the sunlight to cool off. It happened that he moved his chair over one of the “dividing lines” and a priest from the other denomination accross the line, got so mad about it, he PUNCHED the other priest! Now…think of this for a moment. These are TWO priests…right? They are LIVING FOR GOD…right? They are supposed to live “loving your neighbor, as yourself” right? so what the hell is the matter with these guys. But after this last Sunday, I realized it’s NOT just these guys in Jerusalem…IT’S EVERYONE!!!! We are ALL so caught up in our own lives, or maybe our own self-importance that we are blind and aleep to not only the hatred and violence around us, but even the hatred and the violence THAT WE OURSELVES ARE DOING!!!

So, what can we do to wake up, to make it better, to make a change? We can start first with our own lives. Stop thinking only of yourself and your immediate family. Yes, you have to love and protect them, but so do all the other families out there. If you eat at McDonald’s, don’t leave the leftover food and bags and garbage in the shopping cart at the grocery store! For someone else to clean up and throw away for you! Don’t glare at people, even if they ARE rude to you, just forgive them and move on. Don’t make nasty little comments about people….even if they deserve it, it’s better to keep peace than to make a point and maybe get into a fight that could lead to someone getting really hurt.  It’s also not being so stuck up about YOUR religion or faith, that you criticize others for what they believe or even HOW they believe…as in the other people in your very church! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten dirty looks or comments from people who just don’t like it that I sing in church and sing LOUD! Did not a prophet of the Lord say, “Make a JOYFUL noise unto the Lord!” ? We could criticize others all day long for whatever they are doing wrong wherever we go. But if you notice as you are pointing out someone’s flaws, look at your hand, there is one finger pointing at that person, but THREE fingers pointing back at YOU!

The crux of the matter is, BE KIND, to others and yourself. Forgive, forget, Love, and laugh! I love to laugh. My laughter is one of those that’s really hearty, and it’s LOUD…I get it from my dad, he had a hearty laugh. Many people have told me that when they hear me laugh, they laugh…I like that very much. I think that’s what God wants us to do, SPREAD JOY, NOT PAIN OR SORROW. Even if you might be inconvenienced for 3 seconds, or 3 minutes, always being nice to someone else is worth it!

I went to a Walmart in my area that had just re-opened. They had gutted the whole place and refurbished it, so it was closed for about a year, and it re-opened. Well, I decided to check out the “new” refurbished store…I had my little cart and I was happily walking all over checking things out. The new Walmart had the grocery / department store combination. So, as I was walking down one of the isles, I was looking at the soups. An elderly, rather frail man was next to me. I had taken care of my elderly mom for 6 years, so I felt for the guy. I asked him if I could help him find something. He said, “I’m looking for chicken broth, but not in a big carton, I just need a small can.” So I scanned the isle, and I spotted it at the other end, so I excitedly pointed towards the end of the isle exclaiming, “sir, it’s over there, see it?!” And as I pointed, the isle was SO crowded, that I happened to stick my hand really close to a woman who was standing there with her child. The woman got mad at me. She yelled very loudly, “don’t you go pointin’ your finger at me like dat!” I was SO shocked that I upset the woman…because I was only trying to help the little old man, I said to her, “oh, I’m sorry, I was just trying to help that man find the broth”. The woman said, “you BETTER be sorry, or I’ll make you sorry!” And so I just turned away, and I tried to let it go and ignore her. I was looking for the canned goods I needed, and I heard the woman’s daughter say loudly, “wow, that lady REALLY did point her finger in your face!” And the woman said back to the daughter, “She sure did!” and then cursed or something. I had it. I walked over to her, and I said, “look, I SAID I was sorry, I was only trying to help that man, you don’t need to be a bitch about it!” Well, THAT did it, she looked like she would have started to hit me if I had come any closer to her. I didn’t. I walked away. I was SO hurt by not only her attitude, but her daughters! I was SO upset, I was crying and crying. I called my sister from the car, and tearfully explained what had happened. What my sister said was SO perfect, and true. She said, “that woman was looking for a fight!” And I realized that was true. Her WHOLE attitude was “don’t f— with me!” But what got me MORE than anything was the lesson she was teaching her daughter by doing what she did! I should have said to her, “nice way to teach your daughter some manners!” But it was all very upsetting, and I couldn’t have stood there another minute.

THIS is what I am talking about…it’s like the whole entire world has THAT woman’s attitude! Why? What good does it do? Does it really accomplish anything, except to make EVERYONE involved upset and angry? Wouldn’t it have been SO much better, if that woman had just ignored my pointing finger, and walked the other way?? What did she accomplish by trying to “put me in my place”? I used to be the kind of person that was SO focused on getting what I wanted, that I never thought of anyone else’s feelings, or anything. I had a boss, that used to yell at me ALL the time. What made him quite angry, was that he pointed out that I NEVER thought about what my actions or desires were doing to other people! Now, when he said this, I was shocked, because I was this “Christian” who was supposed to be “loving everyone.” But after I got over the shock, I realized my boss was right. I never DID think of other peoples feelings before my own!

So, then I spent the next 20 years (and counting) learning, or rather teaching myself, how to think of others FIRST. Yes, there are times when I NEED to think of myself, when I am really sick or depressed or tired. But other than those times, I truly try to think of other people’s feelings first before I say or do something. It has taken me all these years to get to the point that I am now, but I have people tell me all the time that I’m “so thoughtful”. It is only because I worked at it. What I discovered as I thought of others first, is that, the more I thought of them first, the happier I was! And when I studied Buddhism, and we learned “to live for the sake of others”. I became even more happy, becuase I started doing things for people that I just wouldn’t consider doing before. I am completely different than I used to be, thank God! I used to be selfish to the Nth degree, and I only thought of myself and my desires. Now, I try very hard to always think of others first. Many times I still fail…I cut people off accidentally or I make them irritated for one reason or another, but I am not nearly what I used to be.

So, having been “woken up” from this stupor I was in, is quite enlightening. I wish there were about 1000 of me’s out there so we could all go out and wake up the rest of the world! The deal is, God is getting pretty tired of waiting for us to “wake Up” So, He is going to wake us up, and when He does, it’s not going to be with a snooze alarm…it will be with fire and brimstone, and not many will live through it. But I don’t want that to happen. Which is why I’m working at doing something about it. If you want to learn what you need to do to “wake up” and to help others wake up, go to True Life in God, and read as many of the messages there that you can tolerate. Everywhere where you see the name “Vassula” put in YOUR NAME. It will make the messages come alive for you. And that is how God wants us all to read the messages, with OUR OWN names in them, because each and every message was meant for each and every one of us! Please do not delay, read the messages and tell your family and friends about them too. The time is short…I could not live if I didn’t warn people, if I didn’t at least TRY to wake people up! So….WAKE UP! It’s time to move!

Love one another as I have loved you.

Sr. Frances

 

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How could God allow that?!?

Written by FrancesKosac on April 3rd, 2010

God is Holy above all else.

 Today is the eve of a Holy Day that all of the Christian world celebrates…The Resurrection of Jesus/Easter! I was thinking about it, and one of the things in today’s world that bothers me the most, is the opinion most people have of God. I, myself, was very misguided in my take on God, and Who He really Is. It has taken all of almost 50 years for me to even begin to fathom the slightest inkling of Who God is, and it is a job I think that will take all of eternity to finish.  Since we are upon this Holiest of Holy Days, I’d like to share what I’ve learned about God along my spiritual way.   

I used to think of God, The Father, as some distant, far off God-King that sat on a Heavenly Throne, dictating what would happen, when it would happen, and to whom it would happen. Even though I prayed to Him, and I even felt Him close on an occasion or two, I never really had what I would call a “relationship” with God. For me, Jesus was the key to finding out Who God really Is.  

I had what I call a “fall off the horse” conversion experience when I was 28. I FELT Jesus LOVE me, HELP me, SAVE me. Only someone who has also gone through the experience can really understand it…I felt like my soul was being lifted out of Hell and into Heaven by Jesus’ Hands! It was so moving, I was crying so hysterically, I had to pull over the car on the expressway (yes, it happened while I was driving…kind of like Paul on the road to Damascus). After then, even my friends told me I “looked” or “seemed” different. My boss noticed. Everyone noticed that I had changed. I was still so numb over the whole experience, that I was actually afraid to tell many people what happened. Afraid only because all those people who were around me were “EX” Christians…they had rejected the faith for being forced fed it for too long, and I wanted them to REALLY feel the Love and Life that I was feeling, but I knew that talking about how wonderful Jesus is, wasn’t going to do the job. That is when I realized that there was a FINE LINE that True Christians must walk.  So many go too far one way or the other. I saw the difference in the way that Jim Baker ran his church vs. how Mother Theresa of Calcutta ran her convent. I began to look at saint’s lives, and how they did it. Some probably forced the issue on people, but the ones who were really effective, were the ones who JUST PLAIN LOVED EVERYONE.  

I was so in love with Jesus, that I used to think, “how will I ever get to know God The Father?” Slowly over many years, I began to trust and have a relationship with God The Father THROUGH Jesus…sometimes I’d even yell at God. Something that one nun told me “meant that I had to have a pretty good relationship with God in order to feel comfortable enough to do that!” So, I took it at her word that I had a relationship with God The Father…even though there were many times that I still felt like He was far away, I definitely felt Him much, much closer after inviting Jesus into my life and heart.  

One of the things that I wondered was that “why does bad things happen to so many innocent people?”.  I used to think “how could God ALLOW that!?” when a child was raped and murdered, or a bus would crashed into a wall on the expressway. Like most normal people I was preoccupied with myself and my life, and what God was or wasn’t doing for me.  So, even though I had those questions, as long as I was happy, it didn’t prompt me to search much deeper into those questions. Until my life started to crumble all around me. Then I started constantly asking God “why?” I did not get my answer till I was about 41 years old.  

More than anything else, God gave us all FREE WILL. Do you know what that means…really? It means that each and every single person has the CHOICE to do the right thing, or the wrong thing. We each have the choice to love or to hate. To forgive or to hold a grudge. God will NOT interfere with our free will. If He did, there would be NO free will. I DO believe that God will come to our aid if our faith is strong enough, and we trust Him enough. But even if we fast and pray, and something still does not change, then it is just time to let it go and trust God, that the way the situation is, is the way it needs to be. If we let go of our worries to God, He will help us. If we hang onto them, and continue to fret and worry over them, how can He help us? I do not have all the answers…that is why this site is called “finding” my spiritual way. If I had all the answers, I would have called it, “I’ve got all the spiritual answers.com”! I don’t, so what I am presenting here is what I have pondered, meditated on, studies, and thought of for the last 49 years. 

I believe, there are many reasons why things happen the way they do. Usually if they are bad things like: murder, rape, suicide, theft… it is because of each of us, our karma, or our own lack of love and forgiveness. I was looking at Buddhism when I began to get my answers to “why” in my life. I asked Jesus to PLEASE guide me the right way, so that I would not do anything to offend Him or God.  I didn’t get an answer from God to my “why” question, UNTIL I opened my heart, mind, and soul to the POSSIBILITY that karma or rather reincarnation could POSSIBLY exist. I was a die-hard Christian. NO WAY was there more than one life for each of us! But then I couldn’t help but think, “if God is the Loving, Kind, Merciful God that I knew Him to be, how could He give His Beloved children (us) only ONE chance to get it right?!” That did not make sense. A LOVING God would give each soul not just one or two, but many chances to come Home, come to Him, do the Right thing and repent, and live the Right Way. Once I realized IN MY HEART that there MIGHT be a chance that reincarnation exists…THEN I got my answers to the “why” question in my life!  

I don’t know if God/Jesus has lead others like me, but I believe I might not be alone in my beliefs. Once I realized that reincarnation COULD exist, THEN I got my answers to my life’s “why(s)”. I was in Eucharistic Adoration, and I was asking God, “so the reason I have suffered so much from the men I’ve dated is because of who I was before this life?” The answer was finally “yes”. I was simply suffering the karma of abuse that I had given in my last life. (Let me tell you, I was a real bastard)! But I have also incurred karma in this life, that I am suffering through. We all create karma. It is like planting a seed. If you plant a good seed, you get a flower or fruit, if you plant a bad seed, you get a weed or a briar. What we do now, effects how much we suffer later.

Now…here is something else God showed me…when we DON’T FORGIVE someone for something they do to us, we are piling onto ourselves the suffering of being on the OTHER side of the situation at a later time, whether it be this life or the next (spiritual life or another physical life).  So, part of what causes our suffering in this life, is not only what we DO but what we DON’T DO, as in forgiving someone for hurting us or a loved one. 

So, what I learned about God, is that He DOES NOT want us to suffer. BUT, by the choices we make to do certain things, or to not do certain thing, we create our own suffering. God is there to HELP US THROUGH our suffering at every step of the way, if we let Him in. But He is in NO WAY to blame for our suffering. Take the bus of people crashing into the wall on the expressway. What if it was some bloke on the bus assembly line who got mad at his girlfriend the night before, and he either purposely or unintentionally puts parts on the bus that are defective. What if the boss of the company DOESN’T want to lose money so he FORCES the employees use defective parts! Either way, in BOTH those situations, it is the choices made by the 2 people that caused the bus to crash! It wasn’t GOD…it was some guy at the plant that made the bus, that made the wheels, that didn’t want to lose money…there are SO many steps along the way that could have caused that crash, and NONE of them were ANY fault of God’s! 

Then there are the people who INTENTIONALLY hurt others, like the 9-11 bombers. Every single one of those bombers thought they were doing “God’s will” and God’s work”!? Most SANE people don’t think that God wants them to murder anyone, but fanaticism in ANY religion or form is dangerous! God wants PEACE, LOVE, HAPPINESS, HOLINESS for ALL His Children! Not pain, suffering, devastation, etc. So, when a child is murdered, or raped or beaten, that is NOT God’s Will. God has been showing us for the last 25 years now that He does NOT like what we are doing to each other. He allows statues in churches around the world to weep TEARS OF BLOOD! Hello people?! What is it going to take? Obviously it will take a lot more than just weeping statues or visions of Mother Mary appearing all over. Remember, even if something happens to you that seems SO remote, SO out-of-the-blue, it could be either payback for something you did “before” (could be this life or the last), or it could also be someone who didn’t LOVE the way God wants all of us to love! No matter which it is, we have only ONE job to do, that is to put our lives, hearts, souls, into God’s Hands, and Trust Him, and to LOVE by forgiving whoever or whatever caused the suffering. 

I have studied various Christian faiths, and a couple Buddhist faiths, and what I’ve found is this…in either faith, God IS Love. Whether it is Love that comes from within our own souls, or from Heaven, He is there to help us, to heal us, to guide us back to Him. 

“Love one another as I have loved you.” 

Sr. Frances
http://www.sistersofembracement.org

 

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Is it from God or not? (Part 2)

Written by FrancesKosac on March 22nd, 2010

Discernment. We all struggle with it. To do what we believe God wants us to do, but sometimes aren’t sure. So, you’ve gotten this “message” from God/Jesus/Buddha/Allah and you don’t know quite how to take it. I covered a couple of steps to take in the first part…

1. Remember to be obedient to authorities put over you…unless those in authority want you to sin or commit a crime, then God’s Law takes presidence.

2. “Test” the message. Give it time, pray about it, check it’s truth.

3. If I do this, will it cause peace or fighting, pain or healing, division or unity, is it illegal or honest? The answer must be the Godly one for all of those statements, or it’s not from God.

Now, lets go on with our lessons in discernment.

God is Love, God is HOLY, God is compassionate, and God is HUMBLE. If a message/vision is from God (or Heaven), it will have these qualities…it will usually be a call to repentance, prayer, forgiveness, and living a SIMPLE life. God is not complex. He is Simple, and He is ”Meek and Humble of Heart”. Never would God want YOU to “Lord” over people. Even those who were kings and princes, when touched by God’s Hand, became humble, more like servants. Pope John Paul II comes to mind. This is a man that even though he was the Vicar of Christ, the leader of the whole Church, he was humble, and acted much more like a servant than a ”ruler”.  So, from this we get this next step for testing our messages/vistions…

4. Does it create humbleness in you, or does it “inflate” you? Like I have said before, God/Jesus have talked to me most of my life…so in December, 2006 I got this message from Jesus (this is just a small part of the message)…

“Listen to My Voice. Decipher and discern My Voice – my sheep know Me – they recognize My Voice. I would never have you be prideful or arrogant. Humility and Love are MY ways…remember that.”

Then later, about 2 years later, I got what I thought was a message from Mother Mary (whom I love dearly). But the more I have thought about that message, the more I realize that it was NOT from Momma Mary, it must have been from Satan, because in the message, she says things like how “proud” she is of me, and what I’ve become. And, that I have “become the person that she always wanted me to be.” Now, in ALL my life, I have never once heard God, Jesus, or Mother Mary ever say They were “proud” of me…100% of the time, They would say they “love me” to varying degrees (dying on the cross, tears of blood, etc), but never have they ever said the words “proud of you”. So, I looked at this message, because it bothered me. At first it made me feel pretty good about myself….and THERE is the key…”feeling pretty good about myself“! PRIDE…one of the best tools of Satan. If your message/vision/dream has you feeling pretty good about yourself, time to step back…and REALLY look at it. The other thing that the same message said were things that would have me stop praying for my deceased mom…things like “she’s in heaven with me now.” Wouldn’t it be just like Satan to have me stop praying for my dead mother because I falsely assume she’s already in heaven? So, it took me about a month, but I decided, even if mom is in heaven, I can still pray for her…she can send the prayers to someone else if she’s there. So see, in this case, I really have had to look hard at what this message is creating. God wants us to NEVER stop working to be more like Him, and to be more WITH Him. If your dream/vision/message makes it sound like you are doing well, and you can take a break…GET RID OF IT NOW!  God’s battle with Satan is reaching fever pitch…don’t stop now! Don’t stop the fasting, the praying, the forgiving, the going to church/temple, the thinking of others compassionately, it’s just getting heated up now!

This brings me to another point. This can be used to “test” messages/visions, but mostly it’s to teach you about people and real holiness. REAL holiness is such that, the holier a person is, the less they think of themselves. The CLOSER they are to God (under whatever Name, Buddha, Allah, Yaweh) the MORE they will see their own unworthiness, and their own sinfulness, and the more they will want to SERVE people, NOT BE SERVED BY people. I still sometimes go to this one Buddhist temple, but there is one thing that bothers me, and I have seen it in many other churches/places too. The “leader” of this temple has basically “told” all the members that they are “holy”. Now, where I come from…REAL Holy people never ever SAID they were Holy. As a matter of fact, the Holier they are, the more worthless they felt about themselves. If you belong to a church or temple and the leader tells the whole congregation how “holy” he/she is, guess what…they ain’t so holy! If God is Humble…then His closest followers will be too! That is the bottom line. I don’t care how many prayers a priest prays, or how much they fast, or do, real Holiness is a constant state of being, it’s not like a robe you put on just for the service/for show. People can “act” as pius as they want…but REAL Holiness can’t be faked. And certainly REAL Holiness does not DEMAND respect or adoration. If a person who is really Holy, gets hurt, cursed, rebuffed, rebuked, mocked, etc, they will react with FORGIVENESS, true forgiveness, not just for show.  There are SO many people in the world who are Truly Holy…and they are mostly ignored &/or forgotten. The ones that are NOT truly holy usually have to have some kind of spotlight, or be the center of the attention.

Holiness also is a state of realizing just how much harder you have to work to be even closer to God. Real Holiness is getting closer to God in such a way that you see and feel His Love so deeply and completely that you want it even more. The more you feel, the more you want, the more you work for it. It is a never ending cycle of working deeply for Him, to be with Him. He fills you with a thirst that only grows deeper the more you get to know and love Him. Padre Pio, Pope John Paul II, Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Bishop Fulton Sheen, Sister Faustina, Bernadette Soubirous, all these are people that I would say were GENUINELY HOLY.

To God, all life is precious…especially human life. In today’s world, NO ONE should be killed for “religion” or “in the Name of God”. This goes along with Holiness…that is respecting all life. Those who are really Holy, respect all life, especially human life, but also animals and nature. Holiness is respectfulness, toward ALL beings, great and small.

That’s all I can think of right now about discerning a message/voice/dream…someday I will input all of the messages I’ve gotten into the computer. But not all of my spiritual learning has been from messages, 90% of my spiritual learning has been through just going through life, but seeking the spiritual. Some people seek money. Some people seek fame. I seek the Spiritual, God, and what is of God. You will find what you seek. Truly.

Sr. Frances
“Love one another as I have loved you.”

 

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Is it of/from God, or not? (part 1)

Written by FrancesKosac on March 21st, 2010

  • Acts 2:17 (New American Standard Bible)

        17‘(A)AND IT SHALL BE IN THE LAST DAYS,’ God says,
             ’THAT I WILL POUR FORTH OF MY SPIRIT ON ALL MANKIND;
             AND YOUR SONS AND YOUR DAUGHTERS SHALL PROPHESY,
             AND YOUR YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS,
             AND YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS;

    Many times, in anyone’s life, they may get what they consider to be a “spiritual guidance”. This could be anything from a gut feeling, to voices and visions. What I want to help others with, is DISCERNMENT. What is discernment? The dictionary says:

    To Discern:
    –verb (used with object)
    1. to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend: They discerned a sail on the horizon.
    2.  to distinguish mentally; recognize as distinct or different; discriminate: He is incapable of discerning right from wrong.

    –verb (used without object)
    3. to distinguish or discriminate.
    Discernment:
    –noun
    1. the faculty of discerning; discrimination; acuteness of judgment and understanding.

    2. the act or an instance of discerning.

    Discernment is the ability to tell when something is right or wrong, good or bad, from God or not. Now, this ability is sometimes given to people at birth, it is part of their “buddha natures (their souls)”. They just seem to know, innately what is the right thing to do at the right time, who is honest, who is not, what is from God and what is not. Those people are EXTREMELY BLESSED by God with this gift! The rest of us have to struggle.

    I have always “felt” God’s Presence in my life. I thought EVERYONE could hear God, Jesus, and Mother Mary talking to them. I didn’t realize I was “blessed” with this gift, until I was at a Bible study and I said to the whole group, “you know, like when God tells you something to teach you or guide you!?” They all looked at me like I was from Mars. At that point, I realized in a big way, I was given a rare gift. Now, it’s not as rare as you might think, as I have  met many people recently that also have this gift, or some other form of it, but back then, I was the ONLY one I knew of that could “hear” God talking to me. I’ve also had various prophetic feelings, visions, dreams, etc.

    So, I listened to Jesus/God, and I learned.  At one point, I begged Jesus to please give me a “spiritual director” (a real person) that could guide me on the right path, since it seemed like I was going all over the place, and nothing was ever black and white, it was all these thousands of shades of grey. I never got one. Only Jesus/God, and Mother Mary taught me. And it was only in my 40’s that I learned why that was. Jesus told me that “I have not given you any spiritual director, except Myself, that is because I am teaching you in ways that are not of this world”. It was truly the case too, there was no one that I knew anywhere, that shared my particular beliefs. As time passed I have found more and more people who share some of my beliefs, but not all. It’s like Jesus is guiding me toward this special job…that I still don’t know what it is yet, but I’m only 49…LOL!

    One of the things that I have been taught along this spiritual way, is DISCERNMENT. But even I struggle with it. If you tell any Catholic priest about your “visions”  or “dreams” you are likely to get called a nut-job or a heretic and tossed out. I don’t know about some of the other faiths as I have only known a couple, so I don’t know how those ministers/priests will react if you told them about your experiences. But in either case, what discernment does, is allows you to look at a dream, a voice, a message, a gut feeling, and decide if it is something you should do/say or not do/say. I have made MANY mistakes in this area…believe me! But, if you don’t make mistakes you don’t learn. I’d rather do God’s will than my own will, but seeing if this message comes from your ego, or God’s will, is a task all by itself.

    1. The first and foremost thing to remember is this…GOD LOVES OBEDIENCE. God put you in a certain place in the world, there are those who are above you, who you should obey, and those below you, who you give orders to. Always, make sure to ask your superior if they would allow you to do “xyz” that God asked you to do. You don’t need to necessarily tell them that God told you, but simply to get their permission if needed. Here is the best example I know…Saint Faustina was in The Sisters of Mercy Convent in Poland. Throughout her life, she got many, many messages from Jesus and God, many of which she wrote down because she was told to do so by her superior. When she began to get requests by Jesus to pray “The Divine Mercy Chaplet” at the 3 o’clock hour, her reply to Jesus was, “I will have to ask my Mother Superior first, Lord.” To which He was VERY PLEASED! Now, imagine this….this is GOD talking to her. If GOD asked you to fast or pray a certain thing every day, wouldn’t you be like, “oh sure Lord, no problem!” But what if your job didn’t permit it? What if your BOSS didn’t permit it? Would you fight your boss tooth and nail to do what the Lord was asking you to do? That’s certainly not what God would want! He would want you to follow the rules you have over you, in your daily life. Just like Sister Faustina, He would want you to obey your superiors, which He Himself put over you. Unless those same superiors asked you to break the law…then I’d say God’s law comes first.

    • In the case of Bernadette Soubirous, she was asked by Mother Mary to come back the next night to the grotto to see her. Bernadette asked her mother if she could please go to the grotto that next night, but her mother said, “No, absolutely not!” Bernadette was crushed to her core, but she obeyed her mother, and stayed home. She stayed home every night, and just laid in bed and cried the whole night, until finally Bernadette’s mother said, “ok, you can go to the grotto, but I’m coming with you!” And then she went to meet Mother Mary…but the point is, she obeyed her earthly mother, because her earthly mother was put into a position of authority over her, and she respected that authority. So, if your vision/message asks that you do something special, if you are in a position where you have to get permission to do it, you MUST get that permission. And if you don’t get that permission, you cannot do it.

    2. The first thing that God taught me to do is to “test” the message or dream/vision. What He meant by that is basically hold it up and look at it, see if it’s something that makes sense (in terms of God’s sense), seems true (God’s True, not man’s true), is it something that could happen, and if it seems like it’s from God. And then WAIT. Give the message/dream/vision TIME! Do NOT act immediately, unless it’s something like “get up now, your house is on fire!” I like to give messages “the old 6-week test” or “6-month test”. That is, mull it over, pray about it, ASK for discernment about it, and WAIT. Do not jump right in and act, unless, like I said, it’s your house on fire. Then, each week, look at the message/dream and SEE IF IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, if it still speaks Truth…if it does not, get rid of it, and move on. If it does hold True, keep waiting and praying about it.

    God/Jesus taught me that His Truth comes from millions of sources, from the 3-year old, to the crazy bum on 5th Ave begging and everything and everyone in-between. What we need to look at is, take each statement we get that “touches” us, and see if it is TRUE…true according to God’s Law not man’s. Then if it passes that test, move on to the next one…

     3. If I practice this or do this message, will it help or hurt me or others, or will it cause division or unity? Also, if I do this, is it illegal or a sin? If it is…DON’T DO IT, it’s from the evil one. So many faiths don’t believe in Satan, but he’s there, always waiting to work in us, most times he works through people’s egos.  Here is what I KNOW about God and God’s ways…God’s ways are NEVER harmful! NO one should die, be killed, be stalked, be ridiculed, or EVER put in any harms way…etc. If this is the message you are getting, guess what? It’s from Satan or some other egotistical source. God’s ways are PEACEFUL, FORGIVING, AND COMPASSIONATE. Even if your dream or message is about someone dying, God might allow you to get this preminition to help you or the other person to complete things or say/do things that you/they might not have otherwise done, such as saying “I love you” or making up with estranged family members. THAT is God’s way! But I’d say with death preminitions, be VERY cautious. I had “gut” feelings SO many times about my mom dying, yet, she didn’t die till YEARS later, and when she did, I had NO idea it was coming! I was fearful in my gut, but I did NOT KNOW.  I’ve known people who would “predict” this person’s death, or that person’s death, on a regular basis, but these NEVER came true in the timeframe they gave…this, I would most definitely say, was NOT from God.

    If the message/dream causes hurt feelings, division, or anger, then I’d say, let it go, it’s not from God. Now, there are cases where people might get hurt feeling by things you say, like an alcoholic getting hurt/mad when you tell them they are an alcoholic, or a gambling-holic, etc but the ULTIMATE goal is wholeness, healthiness(bodily, emotionally, and spiritually), REAL True happiness(not superficial, “instant” happiness). If the message/dream does not bring about change for the GOOD, then it is not from God. Here is an example…I once went to a prayer-healing service that was part of a Medjugorje style prayer service. Medugorje is where Our Blessed Mother has been appearing to 6 visionaries for over 22 years now. If you are interested to know more here is a link… 

    I was at this Medjugorje prayer meeting healing service, and I was about 30 or 32. I didn’t have any physical problems that needed healing, the ONLY thing I could think of that I had a problem with was co-dependence. So, I prayed at that service for “healing for my co-dependence”. After I went up to the priest to be anointed with the healing oil, I went back to the pew and knelt down, still praying. I heard in my heart and my head, “you will be alone for the rest of your life.” I started to cry, softly at first. Driving home, I was SCREAMING and crying so hard in the car, that I had to pull over. My soul was just tormented. My problem was that I was SO attached to “being WITH someone” (ANYone), that I was willing to be with men that hurt me and abused me, just so that I could be with SOMEONE.
     

    By God telling me this devastating news…it started the LONG course of my healing from co-dependency. Now, I’m not alone now, I have a wonderful SISTER that I live with and I am founding an order with, but in the sense of the words that God spoke to me, I am “alone”…meaning without an Earthly husband…(I have a Heavenly One! : )  I am alone as in “no husband”, but I’ve NEVER AGAIN BEEN LONELY. Once I gave myself body, mind, soul, and life to Jesus/God, I have never once been lonely. That is the gift that God/Jesus gives to those who give themselves to Him completely. So, in essence, even though I heard something I NEVER wanted to hear…it was true, and still is true, and it actually CAUSED my healing, from the inside out. Before I lived my entire life by what I could do to keep “some guy” with me. Now I live my life for God, and who can I help, who can I love (in a Godly way), who can I bring God’s love to and show them just how much they mean to Him! I’ve NEVER been happier, healthier (spiritually and emotionally), and I’ve never had SUCH JOY IN MY SOUL AND IN MY LIFE. By listening to what God was telling me at that healing service, I allowed God to begin to heal me. I could have done what I see many people do, and that is to reject what they don’t want to hear. To run away from it. To hide from it. I could have done all those things…but I decided to let God heal me, even if that healing was the most devastating news I had ever heard. Now, I’m so happy that I did let God do His thing in me. I can’t tell you the joy it has brought in my life.

    As I proceed on this pathway God has laid out for me, I realize more and more, that the more you “let go” of seemingly “vital” things for God, He replaces those “things” with joy! Not Earthly joy, but joy that radiates from the inside, joy that is like that never-ending spring of water flowing out from within, that Jesus talks about…

    14but whoever drinks of the water that I will give shall never thirst; but the water that I will give will become in them a well of water springing up to give eternal life.” John 4:14

    I’ll write more on this topic to come…for now,

    God bless you all!

    Sr. Frances

    “Love one another as I have loved you.”

     

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    The Master Gardener

    Written by FrancesKosac on March 10th, 2010

    God the Master Gardener

    I was out in the garden yesterday, trimming all the dead stems of last years plants, and trimming the 44 year old bush on the corner.  As I was trimming it, I recalled some rather painful times in my life, where I was told that “The Lord is merely trimming the dead or harmful shoots off of your soul.” It didn’t make the pain any less, but somehow, it helped me understand why I was suffering through it.

    Even in The Bible, Jesus talks about God being The Master Gardener…

    1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.       John 15:1-4

    So, I was thinking about those past painful times, and I realized that I am the happy, grounded, much more peaceful person that I am now, BECAUSE God “pruned” those parts of my soul, my personality, that were not serving my soul or would lead me to ruin. We often don’t understand why we are suffering through the pain of loss or failure. But God knows, and if we trust Him COMPLETELY He will NEVER lead us astray. If we do stray, it is usually our own selfish desires and/or vices that take us there.  Even if we think we are “giving” ourselves to a good cause or purpose, if we allow God to work His Way with us, we will come through it, realizing that all along, we were doing the wrong thing or really losing our souls.

    Here is my example…I was always the kind of girlfriend that “gave” herself completely over to any boyfriend or fiance. I basically lived my whole life for the happiness of that boyfriend. I would do anything to keep them with me, keep them happy, if they asked me what I wanted to do, I usually said, “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” And I would be happy doing what they wanted, but inside it was like part of me was dying. What was actually happening, is I was losing my soul…losing myself, to them and their whims. But believe it or not, THAT is NOT what they truly wanted. When the relationship would fail, I was devastated, and would cry and cry to God asking Him “why?” But now that I look back, I KNOW why…it was because God was cutting those parts of my life out. The parts that were not going to bear any fruit for Him or for me.

    By following God, and actually letting go of the past relationships, it helped me to heal. I remember going to a retreat weekend for women who were contemplating the sisterhood. I was sad. I had wanted nothing more than to have a husband, a family, a nice home, the whole works, even the dog. But here I was, alone, single, contemplating becoming a sister, and I was in a great deal of pain. I remember at one point I went for a walk around the grounds of the retreat, which was at a seminary in Illinois. It was early spring. I remember coming up to an evergreen bush that was sprouting new, bright green shoots, from the dark green, old branches. I heard a voice in my heart/head that said, “this shall be you, I will bring forth new life within you!” I remember feeling 2 things, joy, at the prospect of “new” life, and sadness, at the prospect of losing the “old” life, the “old” dreams. I was crying tears of both joy and pain at the same time. I took a sprig of that bush with me, to remind me of that moment every time I looked at it. I pressed it into one of the books I kept with me during the retreat.

    I cried a lot that weekend. It was a time of letting go of the old “winter” dreams, and embracing the new “springtime” life. I just didn’t want to let go of the dreams. But now that I’m here, I’m SO glad I did. I did not become a nun right after that weekend. As a matter of fact it took another 5-6 years or so. I went where God lead me…to care for my elderly, sickly mother. To meet my spiritual sister and co-founder. To begin The Sisters of Embracement. And to become the joy-filled, loving, happy soul that I am now!

    I could have fought God all the way. I could have become bitter and angry like I have seen happen to other women. I did fight a little I think. And I was a little bitter, but I have gotten over it. I know that God’s plan for me included so much MORE than I could ever imagine. I know women who had what I desperately wanted, and now, after the children have gone, and the husband divorces, they don’t know what to do with themselves. They are lost for all practical purposes. God didn’t want me to be lost. He protected me. He pruned me. He gave me all the right ferilizer and water, and here I am, happy, WHOLE, healthy (spiritually at least), and headed down a path I couldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams! My life has PURPOSE now! And it is all because I let go, and let God. I trusted God, rather than running out and seeking all the dreams that I wanted fulfilled. Had I fulfilled those dreams, so many people would not have been helped, including my mother.

    I remember the shoot coming out of the old dark branch of that evergreen…new life…and all we have to do is let go and let God! No better thing could we do than that.

    “Love one another as I have loved you.

    Frances Kosac

     

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    A True Warrior

    Written by FrancesKosac on February 28th, 2010

    I don’t think of myself as a “gamer” per-say. I am what Paul Barnett calls, “a non-gamer gamer”. For me, gaming is fun, it’s a hobby, an activity I do to blow off a little steam, and share some fun with other people online. I game usually at night, about 2 – 4 hours, but not every night. I seem to go through cycles, I give up games for a while, then I go back just a couple hours a week, then increasing to many hours a night. Last year for Lent, I gave up gaming COMPLETELY for 40 days (the 40 days of Lent) and then when Lent was over, I really didn’t go back right away, because I had found many things that needed my attention over the course of the 40 days. But the lure of World of Warcraft just was too much, I went back, and now I’m on it every night, which makes me a little aggravated. Aggravated because I thought I had “licked” this addiction! But no matter how long I stay away, it always seems to lure me back, like the sirens call to the sailors at sea. Recently, there is an even bigger reason I enjoy going back, night after night…I AM A TANK!

    You know, I have thought about it, and it seems to me that each of my 4 toons in WoW have some part of my own personality…I can be, and have been a healer in my life. I CERTAINLY have been a witch a time or two! I’ve got a side of me that I don’t like to show, which is the vindictive Death Knight side. But who knew, that I would most like, and most relate to being a Warrior/Tank! Years ago, I was going through probably the most difficult period in my life. I had been dumped by my fiancé who left me for a married woman he worked with, who’s own marriage was failing. I had dreams of being a wife and mother, and a graphic designer…it just all crumbled to the ground like old buildings in an earthquake. I remember very fondly, my mother who I had a strained relationship with before, came to my rescue. She couldn’t walk very well, she couldn’t breathe very well, and here she was at my Chicago apartment, struggling, puffing, up 3 floors of steep stairs in order to help me clean out my apartment and move back home with her. She helped me pack, she washed and cleaned, she held me while I cried, she was this tiny, frail, thin, sickly, monster-warrior soul of a woman who just would NOT let life’s troubles beat her down, nor her precious daughter! She put up with so much abuse from me in the past, yet here she was by my side, fighting off the depression that might have killed me if she had not been there. She showed me then, how much she loved me. But it wasn’t until I was her caregiver in the last 5 years of her life, that she showed me what a TRUE warrior is…she suffered ailments, and humiliations because of those ailments that would make most people crumble into a pile of insanity! Yet, she handled it all with such Grace as I have never seen. Yes, she had her bad days. She even yelled at me in a restaurant one day, something that made me burst into tears. But I realized that I was the ONLY safe target she had to unload on. All the suffering that life was throwing at her, she had no way to unload it, except onto me, the daughter she loved and fought with, and fought FOR …for so long. I forgave her; because she forgave me for all that I had done to her. That’s what a warrior is…someone who can take a beating and still smile – Someone who can take a beating and realize that we are all only human. Someone who knows that forgiveness is NOT just an option…it’s a shield, not just for the warrior, but for the person who’s hitting as well. So, of all my characters in WoW, I think I like being a Warrior/Tank the best, because I was shown by my mother, what it means to be a good warrior, to fight the good fight, and not let the sadness or suffering make you bitter and angry and mean.

    To my mom, the best warrior I’ve ever known. Mom, I only hope that I can one day, be as good a warrior as you were! I love you.

    Sr. Frances

    Below are just a few things that I got sent via email, I thought they were really cute and might cheer someone up! Enjoy!

    KIDS IN CHURCH
    3-year-old Reese :
    ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
    Harold is His name.
    Amen.’

    A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.’

    One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’

    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. ‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !’

    A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
    grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. ‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked. ‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘Did God throw him back down?’

    A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’ ‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied. ‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’

     

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    Depression that kills…

    Written by FrancesKosac on February 27th, 2010

    I know and completely understand what it is like to be so depressed you want to die.  I lived that way for almost 22 years or more.  Every day I thought of all the multitude of ways I could kill myself and end my pain. But every time I went to complete one of those plans of suicide, I would stop, because something DEEP, deep inside me thought, “this seems like something you’ve done before and the ending was NOT good.” So I would stop, even though every fiber of my being wanted the pain to end. Every single day was like a tick mark on a sentence that was for eternity. I was not living life, I WAS DOING LIFE.

    I was about 40 years old when my childhood friend Lee, went with me to my family doctor. I explained with much sadness and tears how I was feeling to the doctor. I fully expected him to think I was crazy or to tell me to “get over it”, but instead, he listened. He asked me if I had thought about suicide, I asked him, “you want times per day or number of days times the times per day?” Basically, I thought of suicide A LOT. He gave me an anti-depressant. I didn’t think it would change a thing. I didn’t think it would make my life any better. I thought that my “doing life” feeling would always be with me. It took about 4 weeks, but I remember driving home from work, and looking at the flowers that were blooming. I remember feeling happy about the flowers blooming! Wow…what? Me happy? about something OUTSIDE myself??? I started to cry tears of gratitude to God, that I could FEEL happiness about flowers!!!

    One of the things that I realized at about the same time, was that, I was the reason I couldn’t feel other people’s love for me. I was at a spiritual weekend retreat for women. At the very end of the retreat each woman is given a surprise box that contained cards and small gifts from various friends and family members that had been contacted well in advance. As I sat there opening each card, reading the loving notes in each card, I realized they were almost all the same…they all spoke about how much they loved me! So, with tears streaming down my face, I realized at that moment just HOW MUCH I WAS LOVED!

    All my life, I had always felt ALONE. I always felt like I didn’t fit in. I always felt UNLOVED. No matter what my parents said or did, or my friends, I really never felt loved…it was almost like I was living in a cave, in the dark, in the cold. It was at that weekend retreat that I realized I AM THE ONE WHO MADE THE CAVE! I realized that these people, my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, all of them LOVED ME immensely, but it was ME who was choosing to NOT feel their love. I chose not to feel their love, because they didn’t love me the way I “thought” they should love me. Or rather I had this image of what “loving me” looked like, if they didn’t match that, which they almost never did, then they must not love me.

    When I realized that love comes in many millions of ways, and once I got help for my depression, I was on the road to healing. There have been times when I let my antidepressant lapse, and without any hesitation, the “black days” came back. The ticking each day off the calendar like it was one less day of a sentence. Wow…the thoughts of suicide, all of it, comes rumbling back if I don’t stay on my meds.

    From what I’ve read about Andrew Koenig, it sounds like he had been off his meds for a year. I wish with all my heart, if there were some way, he could have called me, and talked to me, I would have told him my story, and told him there is hope.  So, because of this tragedy, I thought I would write this article…to tell any other “Andrews” out there…TALK to someone, email me PLEASE!….don’t let your own thoughts control you, because they can and will if you let them.

    I can say with JOY now, that I am GLAD I am alive! I am GLAD that I never succeeded in any of my suicide attempts, nor in my plans! I would have lost so much. So many people around me would have been so hurt, and I would not have known it until it was too late….like Andrew.

    There are many people for and against antidepressants. I have always been a spiritual person, even as a child. Even though I could not feel love from anyone, I used to cry about it to God and tell Him all about my woes. I never felt in my heart that God wanted me to suffer the way I was suffering. It wasn’t until I got help, learned that people actually did love me (and do love me), and then gave myself completely over to God, body, mind, and soul, that I feel like I have been lead to a place of peace, healing, and JOY. Those of you who are still depressed, please get help, don’t be ashamed or afraid. And most of all, don’t give up. It might take more than one type of medication to help your particular problems. Remember though, that besides medication for clinical depression, reaching out to support groups, to churches, temples, to God, can all help in ways that I could not begin to explain. You ARE loved. You ARE needed. Even if you FEEL like you are not…you are. It is an illusion. That is what Satan is really good at, illusions. Don’t believe the illusion, check with other people. Ask….it’s what I did and now all I can say is that I used to be “doing life” now I’m actually living life!

    Love (yourself and) one another as I have loved you.

    Sr. Frances

     

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    What it takes to see clearly

    Written by FrancesKosac on February 22nd, 2010

    I am not a “prude” as some people call it. I have been around many blocks, not just one or two. I’ve been forced to have sex when I didn’t want it. I’ve pushed to have sex when the man didn’t want it. But over the last 14 years or so, I have realized deeply how “muddied” our sight becomes when we have sex with various partners, especially if those partners are not our “spouse” but just a boyfriend, fiance, or lover.

    I will be the first to admit I’ve done a lot of things I deeply regret. If I knew then, what I know now, I believe my life would have looked completely different! And I certainly would have dumped a lot of the guys I dated within DAYS of knowing them, rather than YEARS!

    This is actually a fairly difficult topic for me to talk about, becuase it is so personal to so many people. But since this is “Finding My Spiritual Way” I’m here to tell you what the Holy Spirit has taught me about sex…think of it as God taught me, now I’m passing it along to you. The Lord gently, persistently pushed me to practice more and more abstinence of sex. I was NOT happy about it. I kept asking God, “why?” to which He kept silent…I guess He wanted me to figure out why.

    My last boyfriend can attest to the whole “abstinence” thing…we were engaged, and I told him, I wanted to wait till we were married. This wasn’t so much ME saying it to him, as God saying it to me. Lots of trouble started when I asked, pushed, decided to “wait” till we got married. But if I had pushed this from the very first day, I would have found out, immediately what kind of guy he was. He had a “wracket” going on…he would date a woman for about 3-4 weeks, buy a cheap ring, propose to her, and then happily have sex with her, live with her, etc, for YEARS waiting for “the big day” to come, which in HIS case, was never. He was a commitment-phobe. Whenever ANY of his “fiances” got too antsy about actually getting hitched, he got mad, distant, beligerant, and pretty much treated them all so badly, that they dumped him! Something he thought was a good thing for everyone around!

    In my case, he dumped me. He had cheated on me with a married woman he worked with. I was so naive. I was so trusting. I thought he really loved me. But as our “wedding date” was approaching closer and closer, he was getting more and more nervous, and downright mean to me. I even went so far as to break my promise to God, and I had sex with him, thinking that would make him happy, and keep him with me. Well, that was a big mistake! He had his plans already made. He was slowly letting go of the “fiance” to pick up with the new “lover” and help her leave her husband. The point I’m trying to make here is that the sex, just made things very cloudy for me. Who knows what it did or didn’t do for the guy…this article is for the women reading it, not the men.

    So after he left me, he tried to come back, but Thank God, The Lord gave me the strength to say “no”. I had lost not only my ex’s respect for me, by having sex with him for all those years, but I had lost MY OWN SELF RESPECT. This is something that is VERY hard to get back…especially from someone who has already treated you badly because they had long ago lost respect for you. In those cases, I do not know if it is ever possible to regain that person’s respect, but certainly the MOST important thing to do is to gain YOUR OWN SELF-RESPECT BACK! In my case, it had to be 14 years of healing, rebuilding, dying to myself and my own desires, and rebuilding myself stronger, more peaceful, more firm in my convictions, and definitely, more respecting of myself!

    In 2003 my sister and I took “vows” to be pure, holy, and faithful to Jesus, Our True Spouse. At that point, Jesus guided me (to in turn guide my sister) to practice PURITY. What is purity…purity is NO SEX. No “manual manipulation”, no ringing your own bell, whatever, just leave it alone and BE PURE. This was WAY harder than I had anticipated. I could go a LONG time without it, but when it came to like NEVER, wow, that seemed impossible. I can say that not only was it the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but it has been and continues to be the GREATEST thing I have ever done for myself. Let me tell you some of the things that purity gives a person…

    1. Perspective. When you are pure, you can certainly SEE things a whole lot clearer than when you are “entangled” in them. Entanglement/attachment is produced when you have sex with someone (even yourself). Jesus said to a visionary recently that “imurity” was the “sin of Sodom and Gomorrah”. Impurity being manual manipulation and everything else.

    2. Clarity. You gain a clarity of what is Truly right, and Truly wrong when you practice purity. You can see people and things for who and what they REALLY are. It’s like taking off the dirty, muddy goggles that you had on, that you didn’t even know you had on!

    3. Detatchment. Detatchment is actually a good thing in 99% of cases. Detatchment allows a person to look at life without GREED of any kind. Sex is a form of greed…lust. Lust is nothing more than greed that is so selfish, that it does not think of the respect of the other person, but only for selfish desires being fulfilled. Detatchment is necessary if you want to see a person for who they really are. In the case of my ex’s, if I had practiced purity, I would have had the proper detatchment to see who these guys really were. And I would have left them, BEFORE losing myself.

    4. Single-Mindedness (or sometimes called “purity of Heart“). This means that when you do something for someone, as in a service or a gift, there are no “hidden meanings/agendas” behind it. Purity allows you to give freely FROM YOUR HEART, with no strings or desires attached to it! When you pray, you pray sincerely for others, not so that you can win brownie points and get some other favor YOU wanted. Jesus has said that Our Blessed Mother gives so freely and completely because of her “Purity of Heart”.

    5. Self-Knowledge. What I mean by this is that when you practice purity, for a long time, you start to realize who you are, TRULY. Not superficially, not what you like, or what you own, but TRULY WHO YOU ARE. And, purity helps you see and feel God’s LOVE for you, AS YOU ARE. Being pure actually helps our souls FEEL God’s love for us. We can feel the inner guidances that God gently gives us. We know we are sinners, but we also know that God loves us…THAT is the knowledge that purity gives each of us.

    Now, I want you to know, I am NOT against sex. Sex is part of MARRIAGE. Sex is what makes marriage complete. But to have sex without marriage, is to tangle your soul with the soul of the person you are having sex with, whether that person be a man or a woman, same sex as you, or not…when you have sex, you are entwining more than just skin on skin…it is soul to soul, and if those souls are not married, with a committment to be married, the sex will only bring more despair than happiness. Sex like that brings possessiveness, jealousy, lust, let’s face it, the final outcome is NOT happiness. Most times, it brings complete loneliness. Just ask any man who ever lost his wife and family because he cheated on them…ask him if the sex was worth it? I’ll bet 99.999% of the time the answer will be “no”.

    16-20There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body. – from 1 Corithians 6: 16-20 from “The Message”

    I’m not against sex, I’m just saying that if each and every woman practiced purity while dating, they could see much more clearly who it is they are getting tangled up with. I can honestly say, now that I have been pure for quite some time, that all the men I dated, I dated because I allowed my sexual desires to override my sensible desires. I stayed with men for years, I should have left after one date. Purity might make the guy mad at you, but hey, if he can’t wait, that sure means he doesn’t love you! So, move on, till you find someone who DOES love you. Or in my case, till you realize you don’t NEED anyone in order to FEEL LOVED! I have NEVER once felt lonely since I have promised myself to God/Jesus. I have never once missed being with someone since that day, because God/Jesus repays your gift with a gift of His Own, Peace and Love within your heart and around you in life. It’s amazing. I would highly recommend everyone, even men, to give themselves completely over to The Lord, and to follow God’s commandments. God didn’t give us these commandments to make us miserable. He KNOWS US. He knows our hearts, and what they need. If you live by God’s will, you WILL BE HAPPY…TRULY HAPPY. And the best part of all, you will finally be able to SEE CLEARLY…like you THOUGHT you were seeing before!

    “love one another as I have loved you.”

    Sr. Frances
    http://www.TheSistersofEmbracement.org

     

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